Lacey Caroline

“To All Those Who Loved Me So Much, I’d Like to Return the Favor”

      I feel like an explanation is due to those who have followed, supported, and/or loved The Best Week Ever.  So, with that said, I’ll do my best to convey the emotions and internal battles I’ve been fighting over the past few months through this “letter”. 

      Well, another semester of college completed is always another semester where I am blessed with a mild panic attack due to the terror I feel over determining the direction my life is headed.  Starring out the window on the drive home (cliché, I know), I started recalling the reasons that pulled me into music in the first place.  I reappeared in my room as a little 14 year-old girl, my world completely enveloped by the many facets of the “Drive-Thru” era (because we ALL know Drive-Thru has its own era).  I’m not completely sure if it was Kenny Vasoli’s swooning voice and bleach blonde tips or The Early November’s acoustic EP, but I was utterly convinced that every night was another story, that I should stop expecting change because he’s just a lost cause that I’m waiting on, and that nothing that mattered more than a drive on Sunday.  Snapping back to reality, I realized that it was only Saturday, that I wasn’t 14 anymore, and that I had a very important decision to make about my future.

      I started in music because I loved it.  I loved the notion of creating something that has the ability to evoke emotions in someone else.  I get chills throughout my body when I hear a song that truly moves me.  I started writing music because I had so many things in my life that I needed to get off my chest.  From death in my family to happiness with my friends to crushes on boys to my own insecurities, music was and is my way of shaping, explaining, and releasing the stresses and emotions I face.

                    The good news is that music still holds that sanctity for me. 

That bad news is that I don’t believe The Best Week Ever is the right outlet for me to do it in. 

            I hope that I’ve given some clarity into my musical up bringing to help explain why The Best Week Ever isn’t the best place for me anymore. I joined TBWE because Tom and James had a sound that I was really attracted to.  I still love the songs we originally did and, while I do love the new songs we’ve done, they are a musical direction that I’m personally not ready to go in.  I want to be as clear as possible: My decision to leave is solely based on the differences the band and I share in preference when making music.  For me, there aren’t any hard feelings and there won’t be any name-calling, defaming, or bitter tongue action.  I love the boys, they’re like my brothers and I hope the best for them in whatever they do.  I simply believe that I have a right to be happy and I need to go wherever I’ll be able to accomplish that.

             I love The Best Week Ever. I love the experiences, the memories, and every single person that has given the band a second of their life.  I’m so grateful and appreciative for EVERYTHING I’ve been blessed with while in this band.  Every single person I have encountered has changed my life in some way and I could not be more thankful for the support of all The Best Week Ever fans and people who became a part of one of one of the best experiences of my life.  I know I owe so much to everyone involved and I wish the band and the boys the best for the future.  

            I am so sorry, and I truly hope that everyone who cares about, listens to, enjoys, or feels even vaguely interested in the band please continue to do so. I am only one part of a great idea and I have no doubt that it will continue to grow in my absence.  The boys will continue to write and produce great songs.  Whether that’s under the umbrella of TBWE or not is their prerogative, which I support however they decide. 

            Speaking for myself, I have no intentions of leaving music behind.  Music is the lifeblood to a dream that I’ve had since I first picked up my cello.  It’s something sacred and if I can guarantee anything, it is that you’ll be hearing from me again.  So, before I pass out from unfortunate sleep deprivation, I just want to reiterate my point one more time:

Thanks for everything… You know how much this means.

Love,
Lacey

(Original post- Dec 22, 2010)

I’m stocking up on Band-Aids and gauze (Just in case my head explodes)

Is it possible to simultaneously feel so incredibly inspired, feeling so lifted in your heart with all the power to take on the world and every challenge along the way, while at the same time cowering in the presence of hardship and adversity?  If it wasn’t possible before, it definitely has become a possibility… leave it to me to light the way.  I wonder if it’s a curse or a blessing, the ability to want to achieve so much with such little time and resources.  I sit in my room, completely procrastinating on my actual work (which is TECHNICALLY work I should do, but at the same time, there is no pressing need to actually do it;  consider it an excuse to not go out tonight) thinking and bogging down my mind with all the goals and aspirations I have.  Should I do Teach For America after my undergrad?  Should I go straight to law school? If I do, should I start preparing my application now?  What about my Honors Thesis proposal? When the hell is that due and how much do I need in it?  What if I go to Graduate school before law school?  If I do that, what will my focus be?  Should I just say fuck everything and pursue music?  If so, how do I secure my future with academics before I take time off from it?  How long will that time off be?

…Enough with the questions, but you get my point…  And please, don’t let me lead you astray, to believe that only poor I am faced with these challenges.  My point here is that I, just like every other paranoid, anxiety stricken, college senior, am facing a plethora of decisions, all which need to be made rather quickly and soonish.  Or else what… I don’t grow up? I don’t get a good job?  I’m not successful?  I don’t make a lot of money?  I disappoint my family?  I let down my own dreams and hopes?

I feel all these can be summed in failure.  Failure has easily been my biggest fear.  If you know anything about me, you know that I will work until my heart is made to stop beating by some external force, before I allow myself to fail.  But why is failure such a big deal?

Okay, so we’ve established the problems…  Taking it back to my Debate years, let’s get sophisticated and call those problems “harms”.  Now that that’s settled, let’s figure out what makes these “harms” and what keeps these so-called “harms” from fixing themselves on their own?  There’s something inherent in our lives and the world we live in, that exists for every person, and is so general yet so specific at the same time, to control each and everyone of us.  Let’s call that “inherency” (oh, you fancyyy, huh?)

I wish I could have been there, when those couple of guys sat down in a room one day and decided to write the handbook on social and cultural norms for this country.  I’d probably interject at every other point, just to make sure they establish that the Discovery Zone would never go out of business, to make sure that I would always be a Toys R Us kid, and to secure that it become social custom for men to wear high heels (See how much YOUR feet like it after a night in them!).  That’d just be me though…

What was I saying?   

Right, social norms. Like I said, we can safely say that society has established all these rules for the future generations to follow.  It’s interesting to know where these rules come from, but I think it’s also important to know that if you DON’T know where they come from, it’s not a huge deal.  In all honesty, being ignorant to the foundation for cultural norms you live by is sad, but I mean, if you did know where the norms came from, would your behavior change? Probably not…  If you knew that the only reason we celebrate Christmas in December is in respect to the Pagan ritual of the winter Solstice, despite the fact that Jesus was ACTUALLY born in March (or April, not sure), would that make Christians (or everyone for that matter) not celebrate Christmas in December anymore?

How about the fact that when you think of God, chances are you imagine an old man with a big long white beard?  Does it change the way you imagine God if I told you that you believe such an appearance because of the impact the images of Zeus, the GREEK  Pagan God, had on the world?   Probably not.  Is that information still very important to know? Sure.  All information is important, even when other parties deem it irrelevant, someone out in the world finds that same irrelevant fact important.  To each is own.  

I apologize for continually getting off topic.  My overall point is, we make decisions because we want to appeal to the beliefs that society has embedded in our minds.  Why do I want to go to law school?  Sure, money, status, and all that other shit, but ultimately (for me at least), it’s because society has raised me with the notion that “Justice” is good and “injustice” is bad.  Those societal super powers have also engrained me with the concept of wanting to do “good” over “bad”, therefore, it’s only natural that I look to a profession that has all the becomings of a societal good.  If going into law was deemed as negative by society, with no individual benefits (personal growth, happiness, etc) how many people do you think would really do it?  Not as many lawyers would exist if it wasn’t for the esteem that society has placed on such things. No little boy or girl in their 3rd grade class tells they teacher, “When I grow up, I want to be a criminal”.  And if they did, we’d all be severely concerned.

Back to my point of all this,  you need to do things that you love, because you love them.  I’ve watched a lot of people in my life, live out their years doing things that they hate or dislike, simply because of the standards set forth by society.  I know plenty of kids going to medical school or planning on it because of the pressures of their family to become doctors.  I’ll never make my kid chose a profession they don’t enjoy. We only live once, and I know that phrase is used so often, but there’s a reason for that: because it’s goddamn right!  

I have so many dreams and goals and ambitions.  I know I can’t have ALL of them, but I know that if I work hard and do things the honest way (notice I say honest, not “right”.  Who knows what’s right without society defining it for you.  Honesty is something that can hold water regardless of society’s decisions) then I might be able to get close to all the things I want to do or achieve.  I think that’s the most important part.  If I can have faith in myself and my abilities as a productive human being with a good heart, then I think I’ll be okay.

John got it right… All you need is love.

Engineers, I want to marry one.

I wish I was one.  There are three of them in my study room right now, arguing about the velocity a plunger falls through the water.  Apparently, at 45 Newtons, the plunger will fall a distance of .13m through the water in a toilet.  I talked to them about the real life application of these problems; I see my fair share of these awkward problems in economics.  ”When the hell am I ever going to need to know this crap?”, I’ll always mumble under my breath, listening to Professor Hutchens go through the most irrelevant information about labor figures and statistics.  

Then I remember why.  Watching them go through the problems, watching their minds work together, listening to them struggle and brainstorm ideas, numbers and figures reminds me why all of this is important.  

Way too often I see people who have amazing potential and let it waste away.  It’s really sad to see the thinning of brain material, the most fantastical material on the Earth; something that has the most incredible ability to relay and store information that can change the world around it. 

Listening to these Engineers and engaging in their passion for Fluid Mechanics (yes, they are passionate about the movement of fluids), I was forced to ask myself what I was doing in a room with such brilliant people.  It’s hard to not feel insecure when surrounded by minds that work like they do here.  Kids… they’re just kids… and somehow, they have found the ability in themselves to overcome the most challenging problems and assert themselves in a mature and dedicated fashion.

Like I said, it makes me question what I’m doing here…  I barely graduated high school, I barely made it through those classes without my teachers telling me that I was never going to amount to anything.  And now, I sit in the same room as three kids who have all the capabilities to change the world with their knowledge.  Situations like this can make one feel very overwhelmed and intimidated.  It’s a good intimidation though.  The kind that make YOU want to work harder.   It makes you want to rise to be as good as they are, or as you perceive them to be.  Remember, everything is a perception.  I’ll hold myself to my perceptions and take responsibility for whatever consequence they hold, thanks.

So where does that leave me?  It leaves me putting my head back down into my book (in my case, it’s Labor Law in the Contemporary Workplace, but for any general application, any book will do) and getting back to work.  Work is what’s important; work is what makes the world advance.  Notice I say advance and not move.  Move simply implies that subject isn’t stationary, but doesn’t necessarily conclude that progress is what is being made.  Movement could imply regression to a prior state, which would be a waste of time and knowledge, both of which are incredibly valuable and expensive.  

I won’t consider myself a super hero, but if there’s one thing I will try to save, it will be education.  These engineers are only the best example of successful education I can base my ideas off of.

At the end of the day, at least we know a plunger will fall through the water at 45 Newtons of pressure. 

Forget What You Know

Forget what you know.  It’s time to move forward.  Sitting at dinner tonight, I listened to my friend, who’s a brillant mind, carry on talking about bullshit I would’ve agreed with in high school.  It was that feeling you get when you try to wear the same shirt you wore 4 years ago, or the pain you get when you put your retainer on after a year of not wearing it.  It hurts… your body has changed, your mind has changed, and accepting that is pivotal.  I feel like that’s the moment people really understand that they’re not the same person they once were.

I’ve always tried to be objective with different situations that pose to be challenging.  However, recently I’ve found myself fighting to not go back to my old mentalities.  It’s tough, it really is… it’s never easy to throw out those old jeans that you wore religiously for a new pair.  Sure, you can HAVE the new pair and enjoy wearing them, but when it comes down to getting rid of the old ones, that’s when you stop and say, “Hey, am I ready for this?”

I wish I was a genius…. I know I’m smart, but I wish I had the ability to see the world in a complete manner, understanding everything the second I come across it.  I suppose that mentality in itself defeats the “I wish I was a genius” mindset… A genius would recognize that the inability to simply understand shit the moment it hits you takes all the fun out of learning and life.  Where’s the challenge?  Where’s the ambition or the drive that human beings are known best for?  

okay, so maybe I won’t be a genius anytime soon.

What was I saying? Eh, it doesn’t matter anymore.  I’m convinced that the longer I make these blogs and posts, the easier it will be to demonstrate my severe mood swinging ability.  The positivity in my words can be quickly squeezed out like an orange under a steamroller. Forgive me if I become too pessimistic too quickly, it’s not something I try to do.

If I could try to do something, it would go be a genius… but we’ve already established how I feel about that.

Anyway, back to my original thought… Moving on from your previous ideas is the root of growth.  An actual genius, (I won’t let my jealousy impede), told us how our prior thinking always debunks any new trains of thought from making it through the station.  If you think you know something, when a different concept comes around that provokes questioning of the original thought, our minds natural get scared and refused to accept it.  No one wants to move from where they’re comfortable unless you’re pushed.  

I need to be pushed… I needed to be pushed… 

I was pushed.

Thanks.